10 Years Later...

While most of my posts have been about my journey living in Japan - and all the sunny and cloudy moments that have accompanied this journey - this post is about a different journey. It's about my journey with grief. The long and difficult journey that often leaves me at a loss for words and struggling to understand my thoughts. And above all, missing my mom with an all-encompassing intensity that often stops me in my tracks. 

So why now?! Why am I writing this post ten years later?! I've thought about this question a lot over the past month as I've entertained the idea of finally gathering up the courage to sit down and put some of these thoughts, reflections, and emotions on paper. And for others to read, nonetheless. And, I'm not completely sure why now, to be honest. And yet, I feel like now is the time. Perhaps it's something about "ten years" - which for me, sounds like such a long time. Or perhaps my time in Japan, which has forced me to face some aspects of her death a bit more intensely, head-on, and without my usual support system, has lead me to this point. Who knows?! Regardless, in this moment, I am sitting at my computer...ready to put some of these thoughts to paper.

Ten years...and yet, it feels like both yesterday and a lifetime ago in the same moment. Time is funny like that...isn't it?! 

When my mom died, I was a senior in college. At that point, I was applying to graduate schools and didn't even know where I was going to go. And now, ten years later, I'm writing this post from Japan - a place that I never in my wildest dreams ever imagined I would visit (let alone live). In that time, I completed a practicum living in Washington DC; I graduated with my Master's Degree; I became a speech-language pathologist; I got my first real job; I moved to Cincinnati; I ran three marathons; I met Kaz; I got married; I presented at numerous conferences; I published two papers; I moved to Japan; I lived in Japan; and, now, I'm getting ready to move to Dallas and take on a whole slew of new changes, adjustments, challenges, and opportunities. 

During these ten years, I've experienced pain in ways I never knew possible; I've bottled up emotions so deeply that at times I've forgotten what it's like to feel; I've felt guilt about feeling happy, guilt about feeling sad, heck, guilt about feeling or not feeling just about every emotion; I've thrown myself into school/work because that's the only thing I knew how to do; I've avoided thinking about mom because the pain was too much; I've built walls; I've refused to acknowledge emotions I was feeling; I've let the 'shoulds' define me; I've lost myself; I've pushed people away; I've worried and ruminated and worried some more; I've held on to people for too long; I've become my own worst enemy; I've become paralyzed by loss; and, more often than not - I've denied myself the opportunities to connect with her...out of fear greater than any I've ever experienced before. 

And, at the same time...I've laughed; I've loved; I've succeeded; I've learned from my mistakes; I've experienced the unconditional love and support of family and friends during the darkest of times; I've shared stories; I've learned about myself; I've been comforted by memories; I've made amazing new friendships; I've taken risks; I've evolved; and, I've continued to take steps (albeit, not always forward) on this never-ending journey.

Sitting here now, I can definitely tell you that 'things haven't gotten easier' as many people tell you they will. Sure, some days I'm totally okay (whatever that really means); and, some days the grief seems almost too much to bear. Some days I can talk about mom with others - and be filled with a sense of comfort in her memories; and, some days I push thoughts and memories away instantly because they hurt too much. Some days, I feel grateful for the time that she was physically in my life; and, some days the child (or adult, perhaps) in me just wants to stomp my feet and shout 'why did this happen to me?' at the top of my lungs.


Perhaps, instead of getting easier, the journey ebbs and flows...as most journeys do. And, maybe a lot of these ebbs and flows are dependent on where I am at a given point in my life. Take Japan, for example. Being so far away from my support networks has been difficult...probably the single most difficult aspect of this entire journey actually. I've realized how much you 'just talk' about things with people when you're physically around them...and how difficult a 14-hour time difference can be in 'just talking' in the moment that you need to talk most.

Especially lately, I've found myself in so many situations where I just want to hear her voice, ask her about her day, tell her about my crazy experiences, ask her opinion, and most importantly be reminded that her unwavering love and support is the one constant in my life amongst all of the change, uncertainty, and craziness. As I think about the future, I can't help but think about the possibility of soon starting a family of my own. While that thought once brought so much excitement, it now also brings with it a lot of other emotions as well. Fear that I won't have my mom on speed dial for help and guidance; sadness that my children won't know her in the ways that I did; and, sometimes anger (which feels so wrong to admit) that she 'left' me. Though I know it wasn't actually her choice. 


While I am reminded daily that my mom is no longer psychically with me, and I've learned to walk with that fact, I have to admit that even after ten long years...I don't know that I've truly accepted this fact. About four years ago, when I told my counselor that I couldn't get myself to just talk to my mom...whether through writing, thoughts, or talking out loud when no one was listening...he pulled up a chair, placed it across from me, and suggested that I try talking to my mom as though she was sitting there with me. My reaction was one of total flight - I jumped back in my own chair and started shaking harder than I had in years. My breathing quickened, my heart raced, my face flushed, and I froze. I think I scared myself more than I surprised my counselor. Why was it so difficulty to talk to someone that I had talked to every day of my life for over twenty-one years.

I still haven't talked to the chair; however, I'm slowly taking steps in allowing myself to move towards connecting with my mom in a different way. Will I ever truly accept that I can no longer connect with her in the ways that I used to? Will the thought of her ever not bring with it a twinge of pain or an ache in my hands? I don't know. And yet, the more time that passes, the more I miss her...and the more the desire to connect grows (and begins to overpower the fear of what connecting in this new way may bring with it). I've also been slowly getting used to the idea that where I am at any moment is where I am at that moment. It's not right or wrong, good or bad...it's simply where I am and what I'm feeling in that moment. While it sounds simple, it sure isn't...especially for someone who is used to solving every problem she's faced with by working as hard as she possibly can...and now finds herself with a lifelong problem with no solution. 

So Mom, if you're listening...there's a few things that I want to tell you. I've learned to love coffee - and find nothing more comforting than starting my morning off with a steaming hot mug! On almost a weekly basis, I have moments when I completely understand one of the hundreds (if not more) of lessons you tried to teach me. And while I may not have thanked you then...there is nothing I wish I could do more than thank you now. I've totally inherited your slightly neurotic editing skills - so know that all of the tears shed (by both of us) while working on school essays paid off! I'm sure that you've been sending me signs in one way or another for years...and perhaps I haven't been ready to see many of them. However, I've seen a seemingly large number of cardinals in random and in much-needed moments. And, every time I start to think about you, talk about you, or feel any type of emotion building, my hands ache. If that's you holding and squeezing my hand...know that I'm squeezing back even harder. I still have the fleece blanket you made me and I made you...and wrap myself up in them daily (as I continue to possess your 'always freezing cold' genes). You and I often talked about the amazing family and friends that I had...and how important those people were to me. Since you died, I've had many amazing people come into my life...and I can't help but wonder if you somehow had a role in making sure that our paths would cross. As well as a role in making sure that those meant to be in my life stayed put as well...even when I was being difficult. Most importantly, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss you and wish you were here. I'd give anything. This has been the single most difficult thing I have ever experienced...and I don't know how to do it. I know there isn't a right answer...or a manual, but sometimes I really wish there was. I know that I haven't always made the 'best' or 'right' choices...and I know I'll probably makes lots more mistakes along the way. I just hope that in the end, I am making you proud. And, that with each additional passing moment, I can connect with you more and more...and allow myself to really hear, feel, and believe the voice that's been there for every step of the last ten years (and every step leading up to that as well).

I love you - one hundred, million, billion, trillion, gazillions plus one!

***********************
While I have many people in my life to thank for the nudge toward writing this blog post, it's not actually my first step toward putting some of these thoughts into words. For years, I've been thinking about writing a song for mom. Selfishly, I recognize that music helps me to stay in the moment - and I thought that being able to listen to a song about my mom would help me to both deeply feel and also release emotions in ways I've been avoiding since she died. This year, on her birthday, I spent a few hours at a coffee shop...and attempted to put ten years of thoughts, emotions, and experiences into words. Quite the feat...that's for sure. What resulted was a poem (my mom always loved my poetry) that one of my closest friends is now transforming into a song. Here's the poem - without what will be the chorus in the song. I'll share the song in the future.

The Picture Fades 

As years go by
A young girl grows
Experiencing, evolving, becoming
Safely surrounded by her mother's love

Triumphs celebrated, problems solved, advice shared
Through conversations from afar
Disagreements inevitable, necessary
As she paves her own way

Time freezes
Uncertainty invades
Her world shatters
As sickness cheats and takes her mother away


Faced with a problem she cannot solve
And a reality she cannot change
Emotions bolted and buried
Silencing even the voice from within

Numbness moves her forward
Fear, grief, and loneliness come too
Weighing heavily
On her broken heart

Slowly emotions awaken
Memories resurface
Family and friends remain
Reminders that love prevails

The years keep moving

Each faster than the last
A grown woman continues
Reflecting, trusting, learning to be

Walking with fear and hope
Sitting with pain and joy
Slowly reconnecting
With the voice that’s always been there

Moving toward the acceptance that
While time won't heal
And pain won't fade
Her mother lives on

The Language Journey...22 Months Later!

I was re-reading my 'Language Journey - 10 Months Later' post this morning and realized that I haven't written a post on the whole language learning process in a while! Even though it continues to be a huge aspect of my daily life in Japan. Last year at this time, I was gearing up to take the N5 Level of the Japanese Language Proficiency Exam (which I did manage to pass - barely) and this year I'm gearing up to take the N4 Level of the same test (in just about three weeks). After last year's exam and the frustrations I experienced with feeling like the test assessed more of my ability to learn the test than to functionally speak Japanese...I've asked myself more than a few times recently why I decided to take yet another level of the exam. For me, I think a lot of it does come down to wanting some kind of feedback on my Japanese learning...almost like proof that my skills are improving...especially since this improvement can be so difficult to judge and believe on a daily basis. As the outward progress just never quite seems indicative of the time and effort I've been putting into learning Japanese.

So, where am I know?! Well, I would say that my vocabulary size has increased; I have a better understanding of many grammar rules; I can recognize more words in spoken utterances - though usually not always the entire utterance (and still little to none of it if I am taken by surprise); I can have a basic conversation (maybe four or five back and forth exchanges - and more if the person also speaks English); I can get through daily interactions (as long as the routine does not deviate much); I can read passages in my textbooks (that contain mostly hiragana and katakana...and few kanji); I can better understand the ways in which culture and language influence each other (which often makes guessing and inferring a tad easier); and, I can often think of what was said/what I should have said after walking away from a 'failed' communication situation. While this sounds like a lot - and is in many ways - it definitely still amounts to understanding less than 30% of the information I am presented with daily and probably only saying 10% of my thoughts (beyond basic needs and functional communication).

While I don't really have an outline to say where I should be by now...I often feel as though I should be much further along. Perhaps this is the SLP in me who immerses herself in language development on a daily basis. I definitely think that one aspect is related to my personality. When it comes to communication, I tend to hold back more than I jump in. I've found myself in so many situations in which I am thinking about things I could say in Japanese and then I don't. Or, my nerves get the best of me in a situation and I just freeze instead of letting myself take in the information and then giving myself time to process it. Another aspect is lack of total immersion. Other than during my lessons, sometimes with Kaz, and during daily situations (when needed) - I don't speak Japanese that often. Therefore, I am not in situations in which I have to 'just speak' very often. The third aspect (and it's one I've mentioned in every language-related blog post) is that language development is just plain hard!!!

One of my debates with myself as I learn the language is what aspects are most important for me to learn...as it's near impossible to focus on all aspects of language learning at one time. And, as with most things, this focus has changed throughout the journey. Initially, I wanted to be able to 'get by' in daily life; and with time, practice, and exposure I was able to do that. My next goal was to be able to understand more and speak more on a functional level. And, in many ways, this is the goal I'm still working on...and probably will be forever. With these goals comes the necessity of learning grammar rules and building vocabulary. So, I've found that it's quite the balance between time spent studying and memorizing - as I am for my upcoming exam - and time spend learning and developing these skills through daily conversation. For example, during my lesson today, as I was reviewing certain grammar rules - I had to put words in order to make a sentence. Looking at the words, I knew what the sentence needed to say (meaning-wise), but I couldn't figure out how to order the words correctly (grammar-wise). In that moment, I thought to myself - well, I get the gist...and that's all that matters. And then I thought, well, if I don't know the grammar then I won't actually ever be able to say this utterance to someone. See the dilemma?! You need both!

I decided very early that I was not going to spend time learning to write in Japanese - as I can type using the regular keyboard to create the Japanese letters. Last weekend, when Kaz and I were studying, he asked me to write a word in Japanese. Even though I can recognize all the letters in this word - I could not write them. I found myself sitting there...trying to bring up what the letter looked like in my head...and not being able to. Kaz wrote the word, then erased it, and even then I could maybe make a mediocre attempt at one or two of the letters. In that moment, I have to admit that I was completely dumbfounded. For as often as I say to parents that it can be difficult for students to write sentences or stories when they have an underlying language disorder - I don't think I've really processed how difficult just writing one letter can be. And, how much work it can be to develop just that skill!

I also made the decision not to learn kanji, which means that reading here is basically out of the question. I can read words written in hiragana and katakana; however, it's rare to find sentences composed of only those two...other than in my textbooks. My textbooks, which are obviously geared toward people learning Japanese, definitely makes me feel like I can read way more than I can. I'll read an entire paragraph (stopping many times to look up the meaning of the word) and then I'll get to to grocery store and not be able to read a sale sign. It's such an interesting contrast. For my upcoming exam, I need to know about 300 kanji - so I've begun doing some studying...and I can tell you that it feels so overwhelming! I really struggle to wrap my head around learning and remembering words in picture form. Plus, almost all kanji have two pronunciations - one used when they stand alone as a single kanji and another when they are combined with other kanji to make a totally different word. The single kanji is challenging enough...I don't know that I can even think about combining kanji! Phew! 

My Japanese teacher often asks me why I am so invested in learning Japanese...and with only two months left in Japan, I've been pondering this question myself. Especially at it relates to how this journey continues. One of the reasons is definitely because of my strong desire to communicate and connect with others and my environment. Being in a new place has motivated me even more to broaden my worldview and learn from those who are different than me. Plus, I don't enjoy feeling like I don't know what's going on - even though I've become a master of that these last two years! Another reason is definitely due to the fact that I've found this entire language learning process so fascinating - from both a personal and professional perspective. Plus, my only language-learning experience prior to this was a year of Spanish in high school. And, lastly, many of Kaz's family members speak Japanese...so I want to be able to communicate with them more easily when I have the chance. Plus, this whole experience has us thinking about what role we want the Japanese language to have in our children's lives - when that time comes.

So with the JLPT N4 exam and about four weeks left of Japanese classes left, these are my thoughts moving forward...and who knows, they may change...and probably will numerous times! Until the exam, I will study as much as I can. Then, when we return to Texas...I hope to connect with a Japanese teacher who can help me to finish the last five chapters I have left in Book Two. Once I am finished with that book, I will have learned all the grammar and vocabulary needed to communicate very basically in Japanese. And so, from that point...conversation will be my focus. Perhaps that means taking a lesson once a week or every other week and focusing solely on talking. Plus, talking more with Kaz - when time allows. I guess we shall see. I know life will change once we move home; however, I know that this is a journey that I want to continue in some form. I may never learn to read passages with kanji or write a simple sentence...but if I can carry on a 'bit more than basic' conversation someday - I'll be thrilled! In the mean time, I can say that - while it isn't always obvious to me - I know that I've already come a long way on this Japanese language learning journey! 

Some samples of my current review homework! 

Summertime Happenings, Sun, and Clouds

As the cooler weather begins to set in...thank goodness...and the leaves begin to change...I'm finally taking some time to reflect on the summer months of our second year in Japan. Recently, things have been go-go-go here (in a rather normal, settled, and living life kind of way) and finding time to both reflect and blog has been rather difficult. Hence the reason you're all reading a post about summer in...November! 

The summer months brought the end of a full school year working at NIS, lots of heat and humidity, our second home-leave trip back to the US, and a visit from my brother...to name a few. Here's more about the happenings and some reflections on the past three months. It's hard to believe that my next 'season in review' post will be the last of our time here in Japan. 

~*Happenings*~

My Birthday - For the second year in a row, the rain forced us to cancel our weekend getaway plans for my birthday; however, we filled our weekend with lots of local fun. A 'western' breakfast of pancakes, a beer tour of the Asahi beer factory (last year for my birthday we toured the Kirin beer factory), and a trip to a local fruit park. Plus, a 3.1 mile run - with some time to reflect on year 30 - and to welcome in year 31! 

SCMaglev and Railway Park - In addition to traveling throughout Japan, we've made it a priority to explore as much of Nagoya as possible. And, the last museum on our list was the Maglev museum. The museum was a lot of fun and was filled with trains...lots of trains! It was neat to see how much the trains in Japan have changed throughout the years - as well as just how advanced they were from the start...when compared to public transit in other parts of the world. 

Day Trip to Gamagori - Summer definitely left me longing for some time at the beach or by the pool; however, that's rather difficult here in the Nagoya area. One would think that with Japan being an island - it would have a lot of beaches - but it actually doesn't. However, one sunny afternoon, my friend Jacklyn and I set off to 'find a beach' nearby. One thing that I've learned while living in Japan is that IF a website has English - then it probably contains only the bare bones information-wise. This often results in...not really knowing what you're getting yourself into until you arrive. After googling 'beaches near Nagoya' we came up with a few suggestions - and after looking a few google images - we settled on Gamagori. 

Now, I wouldn't say that the website's use of the word 'beach' matched our visions; however, Gamagori did have a neat island (Takeshima) - which we were able to explore; a nice little cafe - randomly hidden in a strip mall; and, actual grass - which we pretended was sand!

Oktoberfest is Back! - This year, Nagoya once again celebrated Oktoberfest in July! Lots of fun, food, beer, people watching...and even a polar bear wearing a yukata!

Traditional Japanese Wedding Pictures - One of the things I wanted to do before leaving Japan was to have traditional pictures taken. Getting dressed in (or should I say 'being dressed in') a Japanese wedding kimono was quite the experience. I couldn't believe how much work and effort went into putting the kimono on...and how heavy the kimono was! The whole experience was unforgettable and a really amazing way to really experience an aspect of Kaz's heritage. Plus, these pictures will be a wonderful reminder of our time in Japan for years to come! 

Gion Matsuri - We spent a super hot Saturday celebrating one of Japan's most famous festivals - Gion Matsuri. No yukatas for us this year - but we did enjoy the bustling streets and some time with Kaz's family.

Sumo - Attending a sumo match has also been on my 'To Do' list since arriving in Japan. I didn't think that getting tickets would be so difficult, but in recent years sumo has become much more popular in Japan. Each summer, Nagoya holds a three-week tournament in which sumo wrestlers from all over Japan (and the world) come to compete. Last year, the tickets sold out in less than a day...and this year, in less than an hour. Kaz and I weren't able to get tickets - so I figured that I'd just have to leave sumo for another trip to Japan. However, one of my friends was able to get last minute tickets through one of her friends and I was able to attend! What an experience! 

I'll admit that most of the time - I was unsure of exactly what was happening. There were lots of rituals before and after the actual 'sumo fighting' that were rather hard to follow. However, I did grasp that the point of the match was to push your component out of the ring. I also learned that the tournaments are set up in a way in which the least experienced wrestlers start off the day and the best/most experienced wrestlers finish off the day. So, the energy and excitement continues to intensify as the tournament goes on. On the day I was there, the favored and undefeated wrestler ended up losing and all of the spectators threw their seat cushions in the air. I was definitely not expecting that! (Check out the video below!)

Hakone - After at least five cancelled trips, we finally made it to Hakone! See my Hakone blog post for more about our adventures!

Himakajima - Another weekday exploration trip took Nicole, Jacklyn, and me to the small island of Himakajima. The island is known for octopus and blowfish...and is so small that you can easily cycle around it in less than two hours! 

Home - Our home leave was only two weeks this year instead of three...so we weren't able to see or do as much as we had hoped. However, the two weeks spent seeing family, friends, and going to Camp Shout Out were just what I needed! And...an amazing reminder of how powerful and healing it can be to spend time with those people who have become your 'home' over the years! 

Bry's Visit - We've been so lucky to have so many of our family members and friends visit us while we've been in Japan. My brother came back with us to Japan (after our home leave) and spent about two weeks here. Our adventures started out in Tokyo before taking us a bit north to the Sendai region. The weather was unseasonably rainy; however, we still had a blast. We also did some hiking and waterfall exploring in Gifu, experienced traditional cormorant fishing, went to a Dragon's baseball game, explored Nagoya, checked out Miyajima and Hiroshima, and spent a toasty day in Kyoto! Phew! I loved both getting to spend so much time with Bry and getting to experience Japan through his eyes!

Meiji Mura- Kaz and I spent a sunny Saturday exploring Meiji Mura - an open-air museum that exhibits preserved Japanese architecture from the Meiji Period (the period known for the modernization/westernization of Japan). Meiji Mura contains more than sixty buildings that have  been brought and rebuilt - including a reconstructed main lobby of Franklin Lloyd Wright's landmark Imperial Hotel. 

~*Kit Kats*~
Apparently even Kit Kat flavors reflect the summer heat as two of the three flavors 'needed' to be eaten frozen. 

-Frozen Strawberry Cheesecake

-Frozen Cookies and Cream

-'Takes Me Back to My Youth' Citrus

~*Reflections - Victories, Sunny Moments, Challenges, Cloudy Moments...all in one!*~

Summer in Japan (as an expat) is interesting. Many people return home for several months (especially given the heat and humidity) while others spend time traveling. Therefore, it can feel much quieter. Last summer, we had visitors for almost the entire month of July...so I didn't actually experience this quiet. Although I had therapy sessions most weeks this summer, my routine was quite different. I found myself struggling to create a balance between taking some time to relax and being productive...which was much harder than I imagined it would be. I also found myself beginning to think about 'what comes next' - with our next big move coming in less than six months. And, spending time updating my resume and beginning to scope out job prospects made it quite difficult to stay in the here and now. I found myself becoming frustrated with certain aspects of Japan in the same moments that I was beginning to worry about some aspects of our move to Texas. Plus, when you add in a bit too much time to think and lots of unknowns...I also started to feel rather helpless.

Not knowing what to do, I turned to something that I know well...running. Last summer the heat had made running almost impossible; however, we now belong to a gym...so at least I was able to run on the treadmill. I also started going to yoga weekly, which really helped me to work on slowing down my mind. By adding these elements into my week, I not only helped myself to establish a bit more of a routine, I also gave my mind and a body a much needed out. I also upped my Japanese lessons to three times per week and began slowly checking items off of my 'To Do' list. 

Our visit home in August brought with it a bundle of emotions - even more than last year. Our days in Michigan and Ohio were filled with time spent catching up with family and friends. These moments brought with them such feelings of peace and comfort...realizing that even though a lot has changed...those people who truly matter to you are still by your side. And, at the same time, those visits were reminders of all that has happened while we've been in Japan...weddings, funerals, and lots and lots of babies. Sometimes the feeling of 'all I've missed' can feel pretty heavy. I left my family and friends feeling a strong longing to return 'home' after Japan...and have things 'go back to normal.' The realization that I will have to work to establish yet another new normal definitely feels big...and something I'm not totally sure I'm up for or capable of. 

The first few days at Camp Shout Out last year were a lot for me to take in. I swear that that place is magical in ways I just can't explain. And this year the range and intensity of emotions I experienced were even more intense. Perhaps it's because I've been away for a year longer this time around - I'm not sure. In addition to getting to spend ten days with my camp family...my time at CSO really allows me to refocus. I spent time each morning meditating and was in general more mindful of my thoughts and actions throughout the week. Plus, the time away from technology and the stresses/pressures of trying to understand an entirely different world seemed to give some deeply rooted emotions time to surface. I found myself reflecting a lot on the job I've created here in Japan (with the help of some amazing people) and the fears, frustrations, and worries about having to start the job search all over again. CSO is also always the best reminder possible of the fact that my passion is working with people who stutter...and this time camp left me with an even stronger desire to find a job working with people who stutter (and an even stronger fear that I may not be able to find a job like that in Texas...right away).

Having my brother come back to Japan with us after our home leave was a nice buffer; however, once he left...these thoughts, worries, and realizations began to set in with an even stronger intensity. At the same time, the school year started back up and life once again became busy. Even more so for Kaz than me...which also means less time to talk and sort through all the things swimming around in my head. Which often leads my to just tuck it all away and avoid it for a bit longer. Not always the most helpful option, I suppose! 

And that brings us to the end of September...and a continued effort to find a balance between the things I can control and the things I cannot. Along with allowing myself to fully enjoy my remaining moments in Japan while also beginning to set myself up for what comes next. Not to mention working to allow myself to feel what I feel in a given moment without giving in too much to those thoughts, worries, fears, and questions. I'm sure that the fall will bring with it an even bigger mix of sunny moments, cloudy moments, and everything in between. I'm even expecting some so-so moments (which one of my students calls moments in which one feels more than one emotion at the same time). 

Lots of love, sun, and clouds!
~Jaime