またね, 日本 (See you later, Japan)

It's funny...if you had asked me a year ago or even six months ago if leaving Japan would have been difficult for me - I would have definitely said no. While living and working in Japan has been an adventure - and one that I would do all over if given the chance - I've always known that "it was just for two years." I'd given myself the pep talk that "I could do anything for two years" before we embarked. And, looking back, I think this mindset (although not always conscious) was always present - simmering a bit under the surface - and perhaps preventing me in some ways from getting "attached" to Japan sooner. 

As the end of November approached, and the months left turned in the weeks left, I felt something within me change a bit. Suddenly, the thought of leaving Japan and the people, places, foods, routines, and even barriers that had become familiar began to evoke feelings of fear; sadness; and, at times, resistance. Did I want to stay in Japan? Not completely. I was ready to be back in a world in which I could read, write, and communicate with ease. I was ready to be closer to family and friends. I was ready to be "home." Did I want to leave Japan? Not completely. I had a small group of friends I spent time with regularly. My job had taken off - and I had finally established myself as a speech-language pathologist in Nagoya. Life had become a bit more normal - even the unknowns and challenges. I wouldn't say that I felt completely settled in Japan - but life had definitely begun to feel familiar and in many ways...like home (especially during those last few weeks). 

I often wonder what my thought process would have been like if I was returning to Cincinnati versus beginning yet another move to a totally different place. I'd just spent two years getting acclimated to an entirely new place, meeting new people, building my career, and establishing a sense of routine and normalcy. And, just as I was feeling settled, I was going to have to do that all over again. As I looked into the future - and thought about what came next - the uncertainty overwhelmed me. Where were we going to live? What if I didn't find a job? Would I make new friends? This, paired with the idea of saying goodbye to Japan, felt like too much to process. I was overcome with the desire to stay in Japan - and to keep doing what I was doing. I wasn't totally sure if these feelings were because I liked Japan enough to stay for a few more years - or if I was just too tired to start over, yet again. 

As the days continued on, I somehow found myself putting the 'what comes next' out of my mind and focusing solely on the process of 'finishing things up.' Perhaps this was some of my mindfulness/staying in the moment practice kicking in...or, perhaps my mind and body could neither comprehend nor process all of the change that was happening at one time. Not to mention that I was insanely busy trying to get everything done. Regardless of what lead to this "avoidance," I'm thankful for the space it provided. 

While I'm not saying that we should all up and leave a place regularly - I can say that the process of leaving really helps one to reflect on and appreciate those aspects of, and people in, their daily life that they tend to take for granted (especially as life gets busy). The frustrations fade, the struggles seem more manageable, and you're left with an overwhelming sense of love and gratitude for the people, place, and experiences that have been part of this specific aspect of your journey. 

While I'll miss many things about Japan - the safety; the ease of travel; the  timeliness; the food; the culture; the beauty - I will undoubtedly miss the people the most. The strangers, who were patient with my poor Japanese  language skills. Who giggled at my mistakes and also clapped for and complimented me on my successes! My Japanese sensei, whose patience and support helped me to not only survive in Japan language-wise, but also to develop a love of language learning and a desire to continue studying in the future. My fellow expat wives, who became a lifeline and who truly understood the highs and lows of living in a foreign country. Who knew that initial messages on Facebook chat about how to sort garbage or where to buy laundry detergent would morph into some pretty awesome friendships and shared adventures?! My colleagues and friends at NIS, who welcomed me into their community with an amazing amount of support and encouragement. Who inspired me with their motivation to support children and families from all races, cultures, and backgrounds. And, who challenged me to grow both professionally and personally in more ways than I can count! My students (and their families), who reminded me that no matter our life story - we are all so much more similar than we are different. Your curiosity for life, love for learning, willingness to try new things, and ability to defy any obstacles you face is inspiring! And, your trust, kindness, silliness, and even resistance has left a lasting impact on me! In a rather ironic way, I will also miss the discomfort and unpredictability that accompanied each day. While often frustrating, these moments provided a humbling reminder that the world is so much bigger than we'll ever know. 

I was hoping that I'd also be able to write about the ways in which I've grown and evolved throughout this journey - and I even allowed myself a few weeks of processing before writing this post. I'm disappointed to report that I haven't had too many 'aha' moments just yet. But, I guess I'm not really that surprised. I was talking to a friend, who lived abroad in the past, and she said that as she put herself in more experiences 'back home' - she realized the ways in which she thought, acted, or felt different. Also, I think it can sometimes be difficult to separate ourselves enough to notice the growth as much as our family and friends might - as they have a bit of distance. I'm sure this process of growth and realization will evolve as time goes on - and I plan to continue to blog about those reflections too. So look for more to come on this whole repatriation process...it's a process that definitely doesn't get talked about nearly as much. 

However, at this point, I know that I am definitely leaving Japan a different person than when I arrived. And, while I may not be able to put it all into words at this point, I can confidently say that Japan was a positive and life-changing experience for me. One definitely filled with more sunny moments than cloudy ones!

 またね、 日本。また、もどります。(See you later, Japan. I will return soon!)