I've been pondering this entry for the last few weeks...trying to process how to put thoughts and experiences into words. And, also struggling a bit with the idea of a blog post that may have a few more "cloudy" moments than "sunny" ones. I like to think of myself as a generally positive person - and I feared that this post would paint a bit of a negative picture of my life in Japan. And, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it is rather unreasonable to think that moving to an entirely new country would not bring challenges. In fact, when we went through training before coming to Japan - they talked about the various stages of "culture shock" - with the steps following the initial "honeymoon" period involving struggle, frustration, homesickness, and the like. I guess if they have it on a chart - it must be a rather common experience, eh?! 
Looking back, I have to admit that I wasn't expecting to go through the "honeymoon" phase when we arrived in Japan...and I am seeing now that I definitely did. I was overwhelmed and everything was new - and yet, I was able to process, handle (or at least "get through"), and let go of things that happened. If something resulted in a "challenge" - I didn't get as upset or hold on to a situation as much as I expected myself to. I remember telling a friend that I was shocked that I didn't panic in the situation in which the construction worker had to take my hand and guide me across a muddy field. Had that happened in the US - I know I would have at least been flustered! Even the mundane things - like grocery shopping, doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, and picking up dry cleaning were new experiences. And, often took half a day to complete. Kaz would come home and ask what I did during the day - and I would only be able to list one or two things (yet, I had been busy and moving all day long). At yet, at this point - I was totally okay with that. As time continues on, I am still mostly okay with the times things take - though sometimes it gets a little overwhelming when you days disappear! A friend of mine came across this quote and I think it really summarizes these first few weeks perfectly.
I would say the "newness" and "excitement" began to wear off a bit starting around week 4 (which did coincide with me falling out of a closet and severely spraining my ankle). I began to realize just how difficult things could be when I couldn't communicate (or walk) in circumstances other than buying food. I went back and forth debating whether a doctor's visit or x-ray was needed. Sure, Kaz could go with me on the weekend...except that most places weren't open then. Oh, and before I could go - I needed to find a clinic or hospital to go to...which meant navigating webpages that were all written in Japanese. Ugh!! And I still had to go to work but I couldn't drive a car - so even with the subway and bus - I still would have to walk some to get there! Now, Toyota does offer a service in which someone can accompany you to appointments; however, even that felt strange to me. And, I probably could have made it through the situation with lots of pointing and gesturing...and yet, it seemed like so much work. And, work that I didn't want to do. Yes, I do sometimes have a stubborn side! And, this was also a key factor in recognizing that my ankle wasn't broken. I surely would have went if I was in excruciating pain. So, I contemplated (and iced my ankle) and very luckily was able to consult with Kaz's coworker's wife (who happens to be a doctor). I'm happy to report that all is healing well...and I am hoping to attempt running again in a few weeks. This whole experience has also showed me just how much running is a source of stress relief for me...and how feeling sluggish and not relieving stress can affect your mood and ability to "let things go." Even without this unfortunate situation, though, I do think these challenges/moments of cloudiness would have seeped in anyway.
Instead of rambling on and on about various moments of "challenge" and "cloudiness" - because they really do come and go - I thought it would be easier to talk about a few topics/themes that have been difficult. I've realized that I too have been thinking about "struggles" lately in the form of themes.
Being a Minority
First, I must say that the opportunity to be a minority is an extremely humbling one. And, in the same breath - a challenging one too. Initially, I wasn't bothered and didn't really even notice when people stared at me. I was expecting it - especially as I learned that Japan really has very few foreigners when you get down to the numbers. By talking with Kaz and my Japanese tutor - I have really come to realize that many Japanese people have little to no experience actually interacting with foreigners. Which also means that they have little experience listening to people who are not Japanese speak Japanese...and that can make speaking situations even more difficult. In the United States, we are often used to people speaking all different kinds or dialects of English - and yet, in Japan - people tend to speak Japanese the same way (though there are dialects). So when someone is struggling with broken Japanese - it may be even harder to figure out what is being said - especially one word at a time (so you may be trying to order "non-fat milk" and pause at the wrong time in the word making it sound like "bug").
I've had little things occur...like a person sitting down next to me on the train, then glancing up at me - seeing my face - perhaps - looking panicked themselves and then moving to another seat. Or, a person putting her bag on the seat so I couldn't sit down - and then moving it a few seconds later so that another Japanese person could sit down. Plus, being stared at multiple times a day...especially by kids or a man on a bike (who rode by with his mouth open wider than I thought possible). And again, most of the time - these glances are easy to brush off and to laugh at. And, most of the time - I assume that people are just afraid that I may speak English to them (because let's face it - I am terrified that they may speak Japanese to me). However, some days - these glances and looks - just make me want to blend in...or conform even. I was talking to Kaz about this - the fact that one can feel pressure to conform without anyone ever telling them to do so. Interesting thought...
And - to point out the sunny side here - I have to say that none of these situations have left me feeling like anyone was trying to be intentionally mean to me. And, most people you interact with will smile and giggle uncomfortably and then at least try to help you! And sometimes you will even have people who comment on your attempts at learning Japanese. For example, Kaz and I were at dinner the other night - and I attempted to order my meal - and as I did - the mother sitting next to us said to her children something along the lines of - "See, maybe someday your English will be good enough that you can order like that woman did." I didn't actually understand what she said - but Kaz did!
Language
Oh...the sun and clouds of learning a new language. Like I mentioned a few posts back...I think "language" may be the most common theme of a blog post throughout my time here. I am finding that learning Japanese is like a roller coaster. One day - I have a great lesson - I feel like I am learning a lot...and I have the confidence to go out and put myself into a speaking situation. And, then I do - and I remember that learning a few greetings, grammar points, and vocabulary words does not necessarily translate into actually being able to carry out a communication situation. And then frustration sets in...and I think to myself - well, even if I studied 40 hours per week - I still wouldn't be able to learn Japanese well enough to talk to people. But...I may get there quicker. And then the frustrations motivates me to study more - so I study and I take lessons and I watch YouTube videos and I start to understand a tad more and being to catch some grammar rules...and I feel on top of the world. Then, I realize that I spent all of my spare time during that week studying Japanese and I didn't do much else. And then I'm back at the moment of frustration where I start to wonder where balance plays a role in this whole equation...because I want to experience Japan and learn the language all at the same time. Phew!! And, this thought process occurs daily - if not more.
And poor Kaz often gets the brunt of my frustration. He is great at helping me to study and practice - and there are days when I am totally into it...and there are days when my patience and tolerance are next to nothing...and I can go from excited and willing to study to not wanting to even go there in about 3 seconds.
If I take a step back and look at language as a whole - I know that I am learning - about how the language works, about how to listen to the language, and about how to use the language (since the grammar is so different). My mind is constantly looking for rules and patterns - and I am realizing that most native Japanese speakers don't know the rules. Just like - I probably wouldn't know the rules/patterns for English. The comparison I have been using is...trying to learn everything an adult knows about the language in two years (when it took them twenty plus years to get to that point). I am also fascinated by the fact that we can learn language starting at such a young age with little to no direct instruction. Amazing!
So - I have decided that I will continue to find balance...and to learn and to make mistakes...and to be patient with myself in this entire language process. And to know that the roller coaster will continue - making me a better speech-language pathologist and person in the process.
Homesickness
The moments when the newness is overwhelming are the moments when I miss home the most! I miss the familiarity, the predictability...and most importantly the people! I am reminded that the process of meeting people often starts out with that feeling of having to be "on" all the time...almost like having your guard up - but not totally. I have challenged myself to put myself out there and to meet as many people as I can. I have begun to meet many people in the "expat" community and everyone is nice, supportive, and willing to offer pointers...as we are all on a similar journey. I am also settling in at the school and beginning to meet people there. And, I have begun to contemplate how I might make some Japanese friends when language really only allows for me to introduce myself. That conversation would last about three seconds! I am working on being me...and not worrying so much about what others think...after all - at the end of the day - the only person we can be is ourself! I'm sure that this piece of the journey - like all the others - will continue to evolve.
I am also eternally grateful for technology and it's ability to keep me connected with my support network back home. Emails, skype calls, texts, facetime sessions, letters, packages, and good vibes have helped me to forget the distance and to truly be able to say that love and support knows absolutely no borders! Love travels and it feels AMAZING!! :)
I will end this post with a few pictures of our recent "finds" that have reminded us of home...which include a burger place with imported beer from the US...and even a bowling alley (I know bowling is an international sport - but it just reminded me of home).
Next week I will be heading home for two weeks (for two conferences) - and I am interested to see what it will be like both to be back in the US and also to return to Japan at a time when things are a bit less "honeymooney" than the first time!
As I close this post - I am thinking about all the other posts I want to write! About the ways in which my job is evolving and challenging me in ways I never expected it to...about various tidbits I've learned about Japan...and even about funny situations I've witnessed or found myself in. I guess just like the clouds float across a sunny sky - these moments come and go throughout the day. And, sometimes there are more clouds than sun...and sometimes there is more sun than clouds! Hmmm...
Love to you all!
Cloudy Moments: Frustration, challenges, homesickness, judgement....
