Repatriation - A Whole New Journey

It's been just about three months since we've repatriated...and at this point in the journey...the best words I can think of to summarize this whole process thus far are...rough, challenging, groundless, and just plain weird. 

As I was running today, I was thinking a bit about my first three months in Japan...and the thoughts, emotions, accomplishments, and challenges that I was experiencing during that time. I remember the initial 'honeymoon period' - with everything being new; the intense homesickness; the culture shock; the fatigue; and, the simple satisfaction of surviving the day. Sure, in many ways, I am looking back through rose-colored glasses; however, I'm well aware that those first three months were difficult. And yet, these three months actually feel more difficult. 

For some reason, in my mind (and in my perception of what other people think), the phrase "I'm moving to Japan" elicits a whole different set of thoughts, judgments, and expectations than "I'm moving to Texas." It sounds more difficult; more scary; and a whole lot more exciting...at least in my book. I would expect someone who just moved to Japan to struggle as much as I did; and yet, I don't think I expected myself to struggle this much with the move to Texas...if that makes any sense?! 

To be honest, I don't feel like "I've returned home." And, maybe that's because in many ways...I haven't. I've returned to my "home country" - but to a place that feels entirely foreign to me. Foreign in a different sense than moving to Japan...and yet...still foreign. 

The first month was definitely full of many "Oh wait, I'm back in America" moments...which quickly became normal again. Things like being shocked that I could understand what people were saying and read text everywhere I looked. The world felt louder, busier, and more overwhelming...it still does, in many ways. Or having the urge to walk places only to remember/realize just how far everything is from each other. During our first few days, before we got our car, Kaz and I walked to several stores. You should have seen the looks we got - as I'm sure people were wondering what on Earth we were doing.  Even things like the ways in which processes had changed caught me off guard. For example, most stores got 'chip readers' while we were gone - so you can imagine the weird looks I got when I tried to swipe my credit card over and over. 

One of the many interesting realizations that I made during these moments is that since I look American...and am American...it's not obvious as to the reason I'm having difficulty with something. In Japan, a quick glance in my direction was all the explanation anyone needed as to why I was acting strange or doing something wrong. And yes, that did often drive me crazy - as I know 'wanting to blend in' was something I wanted and thought about weekly...if not daily. 

In that first month back, we were living in a hotel; we were house searching; I was job searching; we were catching up with family and friends; and, it all felt like one big whirlwind. A temporary whirlwind. Kind of like when we would come home for a few weeks each year. It also felt new...and with that "newness" came a bit more patience and forgiveness of myself initially as well as the unspoken expectation that things would begin to fall in to place...quickly. 

And yes, many 'things' did happen quickly. After about a month, we found, bought, and moved into our new house. Kaz began settling into his job. We bought cars, began to figure out the area, and I continued the process of job searching, applying, and networking as much as possible. All the while, we were also packing up our house in Kentucky, moving those belongings down to Texas, and getting our house ready to sell. And, on top of those moves, my dad was also in the process of cleaning, organizing, and getting my childhood home ready to sell as well.

While the whole not having a job when we arrived in Texas/not being able to find a job quickly has been quite the struggle for me, it has allowed me the flexibility to travel to the Midwest for about a week each month to handle the moves. And, with those trips, has come time spent with family and friends. Those moments...in all of this craziness...is when I've felt the most 'home.' While it's obvious that many things have changed over the past two years, it's also felt so natural to 'fit back in.' Life feels familiar...people feel familiar...and with this familiarity comes a feeling of being able to 'handle' this transition back a bit better. My friends and I have joked that these monthly visits are prolonging the denial that I've moved to Texas even more...because at this point, they are seeing me more than when I was in Japan...and honestly, perhaps a bit more than some points when I was actually living in Cincinnati.

It's interesting because it's when I'm in Michigan or Cincinnati that I feel the most able to process the move back from Japan. It's in those moments that I remember I've just repatriated from two years spent in a foreign country. Perhaps it's because we moved to Japan from Cincinnati - and so the memories of preparing, moving, visiting, and returning are tied to that place and people...in a way. Or, perhaps it's that Michigan and Cincinnati are familiar - and so I have a bit more mental energy to process things. Unlike in Texas where everything is new and I feel so incredibly distant from Japan and my time there.

This most recent return to Texas has definitely been the most difficult for me. Perhaps it's knowing that I only have one more trip back to Cincinnati that I have to take - and then all the 'odds and ends' will be tied up. Any trip back after that will be as a visitor. So, the emotions tied to 'leaving Cincinnati' and my life there are now pairing with 'leaving Japan' and my life there. And, I know when I return to Michigan next week for a family wedding, I won't be staying at my childhood home. And while I haven't actually lived in Michigan in years...that house - filled with years and years of memories - has always been home. All of this makes me think about the concept of 'home' - what it means, what it is tied to, and the ingrained desire of all humans to 'have' it. 

Now that the big tasks on our 'To Do' list are dwindling down, the reality of establishing a life in Texas has also begun to sink in. This place is going to be our home...permanently...or at least for a long time. So, while a huge part of me wants to sprint back to my life in Japan or Cincinnati...I know that's not possible...or realistic. It's interesting...in these moments of newness and groundlessness...it's easy to long for normalcy, familiarity, and routine. You forget the things about the place that drove you nuts...you forget the struggles you experienced...and in ways, you idealize what that place was. However, it's not that I am sitting here missing Cincinnati or Japan as a place, exactly...instead, I'm missing the people...It's always the people, isn't it?! And, I also miss the person that I was in those places (at times). Not that I'm not that person now; however, this whole process has made me realize what a huge role identity can play in one's life. 

For me, the biggest area of identity in which I find myself struggling is my professional identity. My career has always been important to me...and the events of the last few years has shown me that even more clearly. I moved to Cincinnati for a job. I worked for six years to grow, learn, and figure out more clearly what felt the most "me" within my field. Then, as we prepared to move to Japan, I struggled with letting go of that job. In Japan, I started over in a sense - and yet, thanks to lots of taking chances (on many people's parts) - I was able to establish a job that I loved and enjoyed.  And, just as I was feeling settled, it was time to move again. So, now I find myself - once again starting over. And, it's been challenging. 

I know that I'm in a big city. And, I know there should be a lot of opportunities. And, I know that I should be able to find a job easily. And yet, here I am, three months later...still trying to figure out exactly what I want to do. I know that I'm being picky. Eight years into being an SLP means I have a much clearer view of what I want/what I don't want...and perhaps less willingness to 'let things develop.' There are pros and cons to that fact! 

I've always thought about starting a private practice...and while now seems like a good time to do so...I also realize that being in a completely new place and not knowing anyone/not having anyone know me may make the process a bit more complicated. And yet, I'm still pulled toward it. I struggle with the fact that beginning a private practice will take time, which means that I won't be jumping in to a full caseload of clients for who knows how long. And yet, I feel myself wanting that...now! I find myself becoming increasingly frustrated with daily tasks - running errands, unpacking, making phone calls, etc. I know it's because there's no feeling of balance for me. If I was working during the day - and feeling useful professionally - I think it would be easier to handle these types of tasks in the evenings and on the weekends. If that makes any sense?! 

Luckily, in all of this, I've been able to continue working with many of my students in Japan via Telehealth. And those sessions are intense reminders of how much I love what I do! Last week, in the span of one day...I found myself sobbing after an afternoon of feeling useless...and feeling on top of the world after three wonderful sessions with my students.

Texas has also been lonely. In a different way than Japan was lonely. In Japan, I struggled a lot with meeting people - at least initially. A lot of that was me struggling with leaving my family and friends; and a lot of that was me being resistant to meeting people through organized events. And yet, almost all of the friends I made in Japan were in the same boat as me. They weren't from Japan - they didn't have a family/friend network - and they were trying to find their niche and their people too. And so, they bonded together...formed groups...and invited others into those groups. There was an unspoken (and often spoken) understanding that united us all - regardless of background or where we had come from. A diverse group more similar than different. 

It's not like that here. I mean, I'm sure there are people who are new to the area...longing to meet others and form connections. It's just not as obvious. There aren't groups. You have to really work to meet people. Especially if you're not working or planning to work from home. Luckily, my cousin and her family live nearby - and time with them has been both a saving grace and a huge sense of comfort since we arrived. I realized today - that although Japan helped me to become much more comfortable with alone time...to the point where I often find comfort in those moments...I could easily go through weeks or months here without meeting anyone and that might be a little too much alone time. I need people and I need people to need me. I suppose we all do! 

At this point in my life, I also recognize that I am also a bit tired of all the work that goes in to meeting people....as awful as that sounds. I have an amazing family and really wonderful group of close friends, who've become family over the years. And, it's those relationships that I want to put my time and energy into. Yet, as much as I hate to admit it, distance can often make this challenging. When I was in Japan, I missed my family and friends in the US a lot. And, in a lot of ways, being back with all of them kept me going for those two years away. Now I'm back...and I want to go back to talking/seeing them all on a much more frequent basis...yet, I'm still so far away. Sure, I'm in the same country...but I'm still not there. So to them, not much has changed...and to me, everything has. And on top of missing my friends around the US, I am now struggling with the intense sense of missing the friends I made in Japan. Last week, the community suffered a huge tragedy...and I've never felt so helpless and so far away. Knowing that they are hurting and not being able to be there with them has been awful in so many ways.

And while I know that my friendships are solid - and that we tend to pick up right where we left off when we talk, Skype, or see each other...it's those daily interactions that I've come miss the most, I think. Just being there with people -  experiencing daily life together. Allowing things to happen as they will. The little things...that over time add up to big things. Perhaps that's the price we pay at times for forming such strong, meaningful, and lasting friendships with people all over the world. And for all that those friendships bring to my life, I'm willing to pay that price. It just really suck sometimes! 

I suppose that brings me to where I am at this moment in the whole repatriation journey. Feeling far away, missing people, drowning in change, struggling with identity, searching for home, and a whole slew of other things. It's a lot...and yet, it's all part of the journey. We all have our journeys, right?! And while they may be different, they are full of both sunny and cloudy moments.

And so, as this journey continues, I am trying to remind myself to be patient. Just like I would tell anyone else in this situation. To let go of the expectations and the 'shoulds.' To take risks, put myself out there...and, to give things time. To feel the grief of losing a place, people, familiarity and the gratitude for those people and experiences all in the same moment.  To take all that I've seen, felt, lived, and learned - and let it fill those moments of groundlessness and fear. And most importantly to keep moving...all the while being open to the opportunities and experiences that arise. Knowing full well that with time I will look back on these days, weeks, and months as ones of learning, growth, and exploration. Just like I have with other journeys in my life!

Fall Happenings, Sun, and Clouds

Fall brought chilly temperatures in Nagoya. Not nearly as chilly as back home, but much cooler than last year. Or so it seemed. Fall also brought with it the end of our time in Japan - and with that came a slew of thoughts, feelings, and changes. For those of you who know know me well, you know that change is not my favorite...and yet, I've gone through a lot of change in my life thus far. A lot of it by my own choosing too, I suppose. The last few months in Japan really showed me the difficulty that lies in the process of working up to a change - and not just in the actual change itself. And for us, not only were we leaving Japan - we were also leaving Cincinnati - and 'starting over' yet again...this time in Texas. I quickly found it difficult to sort out what thoughts and emotions were sparked by what aspect of the change - everything felt like a big ball of 'hugeness' that was impossible to sort out. On most days, my default was to ignore the 'what comes next' and focus on the 'what is happening in front of me.' Most of the time, I found that helpful; and, at other times, not so much. However, I know that it was all part of the journey. And with time, I will be able to look back on this change and transition with a totally new perspective - just like I am now able to do with my move and transition to Japan two years ago.

And so, without more rambling from me, here's a recap of the happenings of our last few months in Japan!

~*Happenings*~

The Site of Reversible Destiny

Ever since I saw pictures from the kindergarten class' visit to The Site of Reversible Destiny, it was on my list of places to visit. The Site of Reversible Destiny is 'a created landscape containing a series of pavilions, undulating planes, shifting colors, and disorienting spaces that the artists presented to visitors as a place of purposeful experimentation.'  Shusaku Arakawa and Madeline Gins believed that changes in bodily perception would lead to changes in consciousness - and they constructed this site so that visitors could challenge their bodies as a way to reverse their destinies. 

The park was definitely interesting and actually somewhat dangerous to walk around at times - due to the uneven surfaces. While the entire experience did make me question the ways in which I perceive the world, I'm still trying to process the whole reversible destiny concept! In addition to this aspect of the park, visitors can also hike to a really beautiful waterfall too! Definitely a fun and interesting afternoon trip for all! 

Trip to Korea - Our last 'international trip' before heading back to the US was a long-weekend trip to Seoul (South Korea) and the DMZ (North Korea). The weekend was full of adventures and food! Check out my Korea blog post for more details and pictures! 

Evening Tea Ceremony (for Fall Harvest) - One of the last 'cultural items' on my 'To Do' list was to attend a formal Japanese tea ceremony. While many of my friends took classes on performing tea ceremony during their time here in Japan, it wasn't something that I was able to do. So, when an evening tea ceremony event popped up to celebrate tsukimi (moon viewing for fall harvest), I was excited to attend. The event was at the beautiful Shirotori Gardens in a traditional tea house. Because so many people attended, we weren't actually able to see the individuals perform the tea ceremony, but we were still able to take in the beautiful sights. 

Weekend Trip to Yokohama - The fall brought several business trip for Kaz - both to the US and Europe. It's funny to think that during those weeks, I was able to handle life if Japan alone with no real issues. If you had suggested that idea to me a few years ago, I would have thought you crazy! Since he flew into Tokyo on the way home, I met him in Yokohama and we spent a few days exploring and enjoying Oktoberfest in another Japanese city. Check out my Yokohama post for even more about our adventures! 

Anniversary - October brought our third anniversary. It's crazy to think how quickly time is flying - and also how much we've seen and done in those three years. We celebrated with a yummy shabu-shabu dinner at one of the first restaurants we ever ate at in Japan when we visited in November 2015.  

Girl's Trip to Hakuba - In early November, Kim and I took a weekend trip to Hakuba. Since Hakuba tends to be a ski town, it was practically deserted. However, we were able to stay in a super awesome lodge with a Western kitchen! Plus, we got to take in some beautiful sights and foliage; enjoy an outdoor onsen to ourselves; and, relax! I'm so lucky to have made such a wonderful friend during my time in Japan! 

Dad and Sherri's Visit - Take 2! Dad and Sherri came back to Japan for two weeks in November. This time, our trip consisted of visiting slightly 'less touristy' areas. Since they knocked out most of the major touristy locations last year. We spent more time exploring Nagoya - they even ventured out for a day on their own while Kaz and I were at work. And, our weekend trips took us to Nachi Falls, Koyasan, Nara, Hakone, and Tokyo. We stayed in many traditional ryokans - so dad and Sherri became experts at onsens (public baths), traditional Japanese meals, and sleeping on futons on the floor. The cold weather also made us realize just how amazing kotatsus are - especially since central heating does not exist in Japan! We really appreciated their long trek to see us in Japan - and enjoyed helping them to experience and enjoy even more of Japan! 

CCEA Luncheon - For the past year, I have served on the leadership board of the Cross Cultural Exchange Association. Each year, the organization holds a holiday luncheon and raffle. All money raised is then donated to a local charity. This year we raised over $1,500 for the Children's Fund. While the event was a lot of work for all involved, it went off without a hitch! Attendees were also privy to an amazing geisha performance. 

JLPT - N4 - As a motivator to continue my Japanese studies and a challenge to myself, I signed up to take the next level of the Japanese Language Proficiency Test. The test was definitely difficult and about twenty minutes into the exam, I realized that much of it was over my head. I think it was definitely a combination of not getting to study as much as I wanted to (these last few months were busier than I originally thought), not using conversational Japanese as much as I would have liked to, and just not having enough time. I realized that if the test was untimed, I would have probably done much better. Regardless of the result, I'm proud of all I've learned on this journey and I'm excited to continue this language learning adventure in some way when we return home. 

Packing, Selling, Clean, and Goodbyes - As with any big move, the last few weeks tend to be full of cleaning, packing, selling...and, goodbyes! Although I didn't initially expect the 'goodbye process' to be so difficult for me, it definitely was. Check out my 'Goodbye Japan' post for a whole lot more on this process! 

Trip to Kyushu - In order to take a break from the craziness of getting ready to leave Japan, Kaz and I took a four-day trip to the southern island of Kyushu. This trip was a nice opportunity to relax and to really enjoy the beauty of Japan. More about our adventures in a blog post coming soon. I'm still catching up on posts! 

Christmas - The holiday season looked a little different for Kaz and I this year. We moved out of our apartment in the middle of December and spent the last ten days or so living in a hotel. Since Christmas day is not technically a holiday in Japan, we spent most of Christmas helping the movers pack up our belongings. We did take some time to enjoy Christmas dinner and the day after Christmas we went to see Broadway production of The Little Mermaid. It was definitely an interesting and fun experience to see a play entirely in Japanese. Luckily I was pretty familiar with the story ahead of time! :)

~*Kit Kats*~

In our two years in Japan, we've tried 50 different flavors of Kit Kats. Some that were amazing - and some that were...not! For fun, we've rated them on a 1-10 scale. The ones that received a rating of 7 or higher were ones that we would eat again, if given the chance. Kaz rated 26 of the 50 as "7" or above; while I rated 22 of the 50 as "7" or higher. Our definite favorites included pistachio-raspberry, chocolate-mint, sake, and orange cocktail noir. Toward the middle of year two, it became much harder to find new flavors - as I think we had tried most of them! Hopefully future trips to Japan will allow us to add to our list! 

The last few flavors included: nodo ame (cough drop flavor); ice cream flavor; and, daily indulgence - green tea/double berry. 

~*Reflections - Victories, Sunny Moments, Challenges, Cloudy Moments...all in one!*~

It's hard to believe that this will be one of my last blog posts about our time in Japan. And, that any subsequent posts will be more about the adjustment process of repatriation than anything else. Looking back, these two years in Japan have both dragged on and flew by. They have been filled with moments of wishing I wasn't in Japan and, more recently, filled with moments of wishing I didn't have to leave. They have been filled with victories, failures, laughs, and a whole lot of tears. I've experienced some of my highest highs and also some of my lowest lows. And, I've done things I've never in a million years thought I would do. The biggest of those being - surviving two years in a foreign country. And truthfully, it wasn't just surviving (though some days it sure felt like it) - it was living, experiencing, exploring, accomplishing, and growing! 

During our time in Japan, I've been lucky enough to visit 27 of its 47 prefectures (Japan's equivalent of states) and travel to 9 different countries (not counting Japan). I've met people from not only Japan, but also the UK, Australia, Scotland, Canada, France, China...and more. I've learned a new language, experienced a new culture, worked in a foreign country, formed lasting friendships, and called Japan my home. I've climbed mountains, eaten new foods, perfected the squatty potty, and even bathed naked in a public bath surrounded by strangers...on more than one occasion! The 'To Do' list that Kaz and I started when we first arrived has grown exponentially and still does not contain a quarter of the things we've done over these two years. And yet, as I sit here and think about all the 'cool things' we've done...and all the 'once in a lifetime' experiences we've had - I know that what I'm taking away from this experience is even bigger than that. It's not those tangible things - but the emotions and realizations. The frustration and humility of struggling to communicate; the joy of successfully accomplishing even the most mundane of tasks; the awareness that I'm a minority and the pressure that comes with feeling like I'm always being watched; the thrill in not knowing what the day or any experience will bring; the helpless and power of knowing that I am relying fully on another person to show me the way; the loneliness of being so far away from everyone and everything I knew up to this point; the comfort in realizing that kindness is truly a universal language; and, the powerful realization that I'm leaving Japan a different person than I arrived - that this experience has changed me in countless ways - some that I've have realized and some that I may not realize for years to come.  

Before I end this post with some powerful quotes that seem to sum up this entire experience in ways that I cannot, I want to thank you all for reading this blog over the past two years. The support of our family and friends (old and new) have definitely kept us going - during both the sunny moments and cloudy moments of this journey! Although I was initially hesitant to 'put myself out there' in such a public way, I'm sure glad I did! 

With love and complete gratitude people, places, sunny moments, and cloudy moments that filled these two years in Japan!

~Jaime